If bears can s*** in the woods…

It can be said that we learn everyday or that we are always learning new things. We tend to take for granted that we learn some very basic things at the early stages of life that come in handy very often. I am missing one very important skill.


I don’t know how to have an al fresco wee.


I was taking my dog for a walk with my boyfriend in the woods when nature called. The boyf said “Just go behind a tree.”


Just? JUST? JUST?!?

For starters he is a he and has the genetically given ability to urinate both standing and in any required area. He also had the experience. I, however, lacked all of these vital components. Do I pull my leggings down to the floor? Do I squat? Am I capable of aiming? Will it go all over my feet? Or all over my legs? What if I fall over and get sexually assulted by a tree?


So I am in the middle of the woods. The boyf is on look out and assures me the coast is clear.


I tried.

I really did.

But somehow partially exposing my buttocks to a tree full of squirrels made the waters stand still. I could not pee. I was bursting at the seams but it would not work.


Ok so it’s not a skill exactly. But I feel it’s something that could and would have come in handy, instead of the five car pile up I caused, racing my car to get home. If someone could be so kind and explain how it is done I’d really appreciate the pointers.




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