How to meet women

I feel that I have hit this strange old limbo place in my life right now. I am at University (as a semi mature student) but I live with my boyfriend, in a village which is fairly far from my parental home and I have recently stopped attending the church for the religion I was raised in. Lots of information there. But what this means is that in a short space of time I have moved away from some big circles of friendship groups.

So how do I meet women?

I am perhaps a bit young for the WI I love making jam etc but I am pretty sure that most members of the WI don’t generally share my enjoyment of going out and dancing like a praying mantis in a nightclub. And in my final year of University lots of people plan to either go back to their parents homes or move to London (where the streets are paved with gold and hopes and dreams) leaving me behind driving my tractor and all the other countryside stuff people in rural villages do. Of course I’ll visit my Uni friends in their new flashy lives but what about where I live?

Is joining a dating website to meet women going to end in disaster? I could put interested in Women and ‘Looking for Friendship’ but could that be seen as completely weird?

We have key points in our lives where we make friends;

1)Very early childhood- our relatives of a similar age and the children of our parents friends
2)Age 4+- School, classmates obvs (including primary and secondary)
3)Age 16 – college or sixth form or work
3)18- University or friends at work
4)Motherhood- in the playground we meet other mums or the mums of our kids friends

At this point I am in-between stage 3 and 4. I have my Uni friends but soon to leave and I am not quite ready to have the baby to work towards the playground mum meet.

What a pickle! I can’t be alone in the world when it comes to friend shift, can I? Are you part of the 20-30 age range, that has made big changes in their life and is finding that you are looking to meet girlfriends?

You never know when you have it so good.

Girl meets Boy.
Boy is the best.
Girl doesn’t appreciate what she has, freaks out about commitment and ends it.
Girl messes about.
Girl realises how good Boy was.
Boy with his heart of gold and wonderful forgiving person that he is takes her back although she does not deserve it.
Boy has an accident on his motorbike and goes to hospital.
Girl hears nothing…..

If you are given a second chance to be with someone after you treated them badly and they are taken away from you it’s like having all your insides removed.
I had made a huge mistake but Ben took me back and I was so happy. Life was going so well. I had my puppy (Ernie the mini schnauzer), I was living with Ben, we were having date nights and I was living the life I’d always wanted with the best person….

Hours went by without hearing how his operation had gone. “It’s just internal bleeding” was the last thing he text me at 4am before he went in.

My biggest fear as a child was internal bleeding. (I watched lots of hospital programmes with my aunt and that’s what always seemed to kill people off when you thought they were ok)

So here I am feeling the sickest I’ve ever felt. My heart in my mouth and bouts of tears. Poor Ernie was confused and kept climbing up for cuddles. And all I could do was wait.

Do you know what went through my head?

All I could think was… ‘Why did I let this man go and now I could lose him forever?’

I was lucky. Twice I was lucky. I was lucky he took me back. And now…

I am lucky he was ok. His operation went well and now I can spend time with the person I love most proving how much I love him.

Don’t ever be stupid like me. You don’t realise you are happy so you take it for granted and one day someone or something could take that happiness away and no amount of regret can take that back.

5 Shocking truths about Women!

1. Women have armpit hair, leg hair and most shocking of all pubic hair!

Yes stop the press the scandal is out. It’s not even just at the fault of men that women pluck, wax, tweeze and shave almost every square inch. The worst oppressors are other women. Who gives a monkeys really if someone decides to go au natural? There is no 11th commandment that says thou shall shave thou ninny! It’s up to you.

 

2. Women sweat

Boy oh boy do I. I do not glow or perspire…I really sweat buckets. I just do a crazy thing and wash lots so I don’t smell.

3. Women poop.

In a previous blog I wrote about this very subject. It is why women get tearful too. We aren’t really that emotional just dying for the loo!

4. Women burp

If you have met me in real life then it’s no secret. I may be a lady but I actually take great pleasure in the loudest, rudest burps I can make. Barney Gumble eat your heart out!

5. Women fart.

Well I don’t because I am perfect. Ahem. Men of planet earth take look at your girlfriend and if she hasn’t farted in front of you and you spend more than two days together then salute the trooper that she is (Don’t hug her or she’s going to explode). She has contorted her body and fought every inch of her being to hold that in just for you. If that isn’t love then I don’t know what is!

 

The Gender Test

Please take my short quiz to work out whether you are a Tom-Boy, Girly-girl, Man’s man or a Sissy-Boy. 

 

  1. You are invited to a party so you…

a) Turn up

b) Buy a new outfit

c) Choose something no one has seen you wear for ages

d) Don’t go.

 

     2. Your car breaks down so you…

a) Fix it by the side of the road

b) Call the AA/Green Flag/RAC

c) Cry 

d) Kick it and shout “You are a heap of crap!”

 

     3. Your ideal evening is spent…

a) Playing Video games

b) Dancing in a nightclub with friends

c) Watching a film at the cinema

d) Playing sport, watching sport, eating, living and breathing sport

 

      4. Your ideal film is…

a) Horror; blood, guts, blood, no storyline, blood, death and blood

b) Romantic Comedy: Simple boy meets girl. Love. Happiness. Hotties

c) Action; gratuitous violence, explosions, guns, Arnie, Bruce and all the gang

d) Art/Indie Film; beautiful scenes, emotional, perhaps subtitles.

 

      5. Your ideal date is….

a) Hiking and canoeing in Wales. Ahhh the fresh air!

b) A nice meal, candles, music. A time and a place to get to know each other.

c) First drinks at a cool bar then onto a gig and then a club and then back to yours ;-)

d) Burgers and Bowling. Pretty active but a very relaxed atmosphere.

 

Ok so here are the results

Mostly A’s:

You are whoever you want to be.

Mostly B’s:

You are whoever you want to be.

Mostly C’s:

You are whoever you want to be.

Mostly D’s:

You are whoever you want to be.

This is not a real test because they are horrible and offensive titles. Gender is such a confusing term. Don’t let a daft quiz or worse someone else tell you what/who/where/when and why.

You are whoever you want to be.

 

 

Material for Boyfriends

So Dr. Frankenstein had this crazy idea right. He had the idea to make up a man from bits of other men to create a new (yet old because he used second hand materials) person. His mistake was that he got his material from evil people and he didn’t really nurture his new being and then BOOM awful crazy stuff happened.

 

Then let us go into another classic cultural reference…

 

Anyone remember that episode of ‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch’ where I think it was Aunt Hilda decides to make a boyfriend. I think it was out of either wax or dough I can’t totally remember. But yeah basically she makes up her ideal man.

 

Where am I going with this?

 

Ok so I am most definitely not looking for a boyf right now (I do enjoy the dates and the snogging but that’s all really. I don’t like the labels baby) but imagine if you could do a Frankenstein/Hilda type process and make up the ideal man.

I mean that would be terrible and offensive to men to treat them like meat and pick and choose what we liked about their bodies….

But think hard about the kind of man you could make. Here is my concoction…

1) Kelly Jones’ singing voice and song lyrics.

To be fair he is almost the full package but his voice is incredible.

2) Niall Morris’ Face and body

If you are a Leicester Tigers fan then you know what I mean. D-E-Li-Cious

3) Marshall Erikson’s  (played by Jason Segel) personality

Fun, loyal, loving and I know he would be top boyf material

4) John McClane’s (played by Bruce Willis) fight tough attitude

Nobody is messing with you when your boyfriend is this hard!

and lastly

5) Adam Richman’s appetite 

Ok so I am a feeder and for some odd reason to feed a man with a roaring appetite would keep me silly happy!

 

So ladies (and gentleman) have a little think about the kind of material you would use to make your boyfriend.

 

The Urge

The Urge

Do you know what I mean? When you get it, you get it really bad. Everything about it is so wrong but you want it so bad…

You want to touch the DO NOT TOUCH items at the museum.

I was watching Tv the other day and there is a film about Pompeii coming out. It reminded me of when the British Museum had an exhibition of some of the bodies and artifacts recovered from the city. I know it sounds sick but we had to leave because I wanted to touch some of the remains. The urge was redonk. It happens every time I go to a museum and my last boyfriend was somewhat of an enabler. He would keep a look out so that I could just run my finger along the forbidden fruit.

The best thing I have ever managed to touch was one of the bodies at Gunter Von Hagen’s ‘Body Worlds’. It is super sick to think that I am touching human remains and I don’t get some kind of sexual thrill from it. But it is just because I am NOT allowed. If the security guard said “Touch what you want” I wouldn’t be bothered in any way and I’d just look. Instead “Don’t touch” and “No photography” is like a challenge.

I am sure I will grow out of it at some point but then again as an old lady I may get away with it more.